I found this on www.bethany.org. Nancy S. Kingma, BSN, RN, Bereavement Coordinator, Spectrum Health, Grand Rapids, MI With the death of a baby, a couple shares the loss of their dreams and a precious part of themselves and their future. Although the couple may feel very connected to each other in the first days and weeks after their baby's death, it is important for them to realize that grief is very personal and individual. Even when a couple has been together for many years, they most likely will not grieve in the same way. Bothpartners are hurting, but because of different influences and expectations in their lives, they may be experiencing and showing grief in different ways. The woman may desire to sit, cry, and talk continually about her baby. Sadness overwhelms her. She may experience insomnia, nightmares, and either loss of appetite or overeating. Disruptions in life may bring tears, rage, or tension. She may feel abandoned and have the need to be held and comforted rather than have sexual intimacy. The man may bury himself in his work, which brings comfort and stability to his life. It is not uncommon for the man to involve himself in strenuous physical activity such as playing racquetball or chopping wood. He may not want to talk about the baby because he is afraid of "breaking down." He might worry about the intensity of his partner's grief and may attempt to help her "cheer up" or "move on" with life. It is not uncommon for a man to delay his grieving until he knows his partner is "handling things" better. While the man may feel uncomfortable hugging and holding his partner, sexual intimacy may bring emotional closeness for him. Because each spouse grieves differently, it is hard for them to understand each other. The woman may believe her partner did not love the baby as much as she did because he does not talk about the baby or cry with her. The man may believe he is a failure because he is not able to protect his partner and make her life happy again. At a time when it would be beneficial for the couple to be communicating about their loss and its effect on their lives, they may feel estranged and isolated. This lack of communication may add further stress to the relationship. There is no simple way for a couple to deal with grief and loss. To recognize some of the different ways each grieves can help the couple understand each other and help each other grieve. Perhaps the best course of action is patience and openness. If you are a couple that has experienced the death of a baby: * Attempt to accept each other's differences and limitations. * Give your spouse the time he or she needs to grieve. * Avoid blaming each other. * Focus on the love you have for one another. Go on a date at least once a week and concentrate on your relationship. * Plan a special time of holding, caring, and recognizing that your love continues, even in your grief. * Spend time talking about your baby and the loss you have experienced. * Slow your life down as much as possible. Attempt to put off any major decisions in your life. (Change may make the grief more intense.) * If you feel you need help, get it. Seeking assistance is not a sign of weakness. It is an act of love toward yourself and your partner. * Above all, pray for each other and with each other as you bring your pain to the Lord. Don't be afraid to share your emotions, questions, and anger with Him. He can handle it. In time, through quiet and simple ways, He will begin the healing process in your hearts and lives.